by ShinLoo

For the first time, I was looking at myself from this angle. It was different from looking at myself in the mirror. For one thing, I had my eyes closed. And I was lying on the street beside a Cadillac, unconscious. It just felt so weird looking at myself so lifeless. Then it suddenly struck me – I was hit by a car.
I’m probably dead.
A young passer-by knelt beside me to check my pulse. He turned around to face the stunned driver and whispered something. And I knew I was dead.
Isn’t there supposed to be a stream of gentle white light or something?
I laughed at my own thought, only to be surprised by how calm I felt. Did it not bother me, that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy life, to eat my favourite food, to play my favourite video games? Did it not bother me, that I wouldn’t be able to meet the people I care for, that all I could do was watch them suffer from accepting my death?
Zach…
A name that once meant so much to me suddenly popped up. It didn’t matter anymore. Our relationship was on the rocks anyway. There was nothing I could have done to have the old times back. Nothing I could have done to make him love me. He would be glad, if not thankful, over my death. I suddenly remember it was Valentine’s Day.
I died on our wedding anniversary.

The irony of it made me laugh again.
******    ******
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw her in the mortuary. I shook her. I yelled at her. I slapped her. She didn’t respond. They had to pull me away from her. I had to fight real hard.
Sam is just sleeping. I have to protect her from all these people.
I knew it was just an excuse I gave myself to let it all out – to scream at people, to punch their faces – just so that I wouldn’t go totally insane.
They said it was an accident. I couldn’t accept it. Why would God do this to me? Why would God take away the only thing that matters in my life? And why of all days, today? Today when I made a promise to myself I was going to make it up to her. For all that I had done and hadn’t done all these years.
I knew she didn’t like it when I had to work overtime. I knew we hadn’t talked much these days. I knew she had been crying in the night. I knew she hadn’t been happy for a long time. I knew she was angry at me. But I kept thinking, next week – next week I would make it all up to her.
Why did I always have to wait till next week?
As I lay down in bed, I remembered a promise I made to her a long time ago. “I will never leave you,” I said. I suddenly realized I hadn’t cried a single tear since I knew about the accident.
I can’t live without her.
I got out of bed and went to the study. I pulled open the drawer of my desk and found a revolver. When I first bought it she told me to get rid of it. She didn’t like the idea of having a weapon in the house. I put it on top of my desk. I had never used it before.
I can’t live without her.
I looked out the window. She used to stand beside the window looking at the kids running around the playground, while I worked on my laptop. “I want to have kids,” she said. “We will, baby,” I always replied. But we never did.
I can’t live without her.
I touched the revolver. I shuddered. I just missed her so much.

Happy Valentine, Sam. And happy anniversary.