by Jessica Jernigan

Her phone is on the table. It does not appear that she tossed it there, unthinkingly, when she got home from work. The phone is not in the company of her keys, say, or a pile of unopened mail. The table is generally uncluttered, holding nothing more than the aforementioned phone, a bottle of wine, a single glass, and her left hand, which rests a few inches from the phone.

Certain people might draw certain conclusions from this scene. They might, for instance, infer that she is going to call him.

She is not going to call him.

What she is doing right now, as she sits at the table drinking wine and contemplating the phone, is reviewing the list of reasons for not calling him, a list assembled with assistance from her personal panel of relationship experts: a licensed clinical social worker, a psychiatrist, and a woman who has been married and divorced twice. The reasons for not calling him are numerous and they are excellent, and should she ever forget them, any one of these friends would be eager to refresh her memory. The licensed clinical social worker would point out that he has not treated her in an especially loving manner. The psychiatrist would add that he’s a bastard. And the divorcee, while taking no position on the specifics of the relationship or his behavior in it, has frequently opined that he’s a loser and that she can do much, much better.

The comments of the licensed clinical social worker are thorough and precise, informed as they are by listening to detailed recollections of a mostly unhappy dalliance. Everything the licensed clinical social worker has said is essentially right. But the licensed clinical social worker’s assessment of his conduct is so compassionate and empathetic that it offers a paradoxical emotional challenge. Sure, it might be best for her if she just forgot about him, but would it be best for him?

And here’s the thing about the psychiatrist: She thinks that all men are bastards. It’s entirely possible that her usually incisive powers of discernment are, in this case, somewhat impaired.

The divorcee’s appraisal of the situation is also problematic. Surely, someone obsessed with a loser is, herself, even more of a loser. This would be too troubling to consider except for the fact that he is not a loser.
“My friends,” she thinks to herself, “don’t understand him like—”

She stops herself before she can complete the thought, “My friends don’t understand him like I understand him.” She stops herself because she knows that this is just about the stupidest thing that stupid women think, and she is not stupid. She has advanced degrees from prestigious schools. She has a successful career in a demanding field. She reads National Book Award-winning novels and she enjoys preparing complicated French desserts. She knows that it’s ridiculous to suggest that her friends don’t understand him. Not only have they spent time with him and talked to him at some length and on multiple occasions, but they have also listened to her describe every facet of every instant of their relationship over and over and over again. Her face begins to burn as she thinks about all the weepy, numbingly repetitive monologues she has inflicted on her friends. Her feelings are a singular blend of profound mortification and intense gratitude.

A couple of maudlin tears roll down her cheeks, and she realizes that she’s at least a little drunk. She is also lonely and weary and wondering if maybe not calling him is what’s really stupid. It’s true that the reasons for not calling him are perfectly logical. It would be sensible for her to stop loving him, but, obviously, she can’t stop loving him, so maybe love makes its own kind of sense, right?

She realizes that this might be the single stupidest thought she’s ever had about this stupid relationship.

She looks at the phone. She considers calling the licensed clinical social worker, or the psychiatrist, or the divorcee. She considers calling her mother. She flips open the phone and scrolls through the many numbers stored there.

Certain people might, at this point, notice that his number is still there, as yet undeleted, among the friends and relatives and professional contacts. She could call him at the push of a single button. But that does not mean that those people would be correct in thinking that she is going to call him.