Loading ...by Jessica Knight
When I got the email from the Novelette showcasing their new writing contest “Men” I had a couple different thoughts enter my head. First I thought about writing about my wonderful husband and our life together. Not much of a page turner there. Pretty mundane stuff there might put people to sleep more than anything. I thought about the other men in my life, my two sons. I could write about the love and pride I feel for them and how I hope I get to seen them turn into the wonderful adults I am sure they will become.
Instead I have chosen to write about my first husband. I married my high school sweetheart at 18. He was the one. The one my mother hated. The one my father took to the side and told him that he had a shotgun and a good hiding place even though he thought no one would look for him.
The first few months of our marriage were the “honeymoon” phase. We were living 1000 miles from home on a military base. I did not know a soul and I think he liked it that way. I was totally dependent on him for everything. No outside interferences in the relationship and no one to tell me I was headed for heartbreak.
At month 4 my world as I knew it changed. He began drinking heavily. He said it was the pressures of the job and he was worried he would be shipped out and I would be left alone. I tried to reassure him that I would be fine, we would be fine. Yet he continued to drink. One night he came home late from worked trashed. I asked him where he had been. He replied that he had been out and he did not need to answer to me. I went into the bedroom and slammed the door. He came rushing in, grabbing me around the throat and telling me that I was nothing without him. I had no where to go and I had better be thankful he still kept me around. He let go and left the apartment. I curled up on the bed and cried. I knew I could not call my mom because all she would say is that she told me so. I had no friends there no one that I could confide in. I finally fell asleep.
He snuck back in the next morning flowers in hand saying how sorry he was and that he loved me more than life itself. He begged and pleaded for me to forgive him and like a dunce I did. I was sure that it was a one time thing and that he really did love me.
I spent the next 3 yrs telling myself that. Same pattern, he would get drunk, attack me, plead for forgiveness, and I would forgive. Twice he cheated on me, that I know of, one of those times was with one of my best friends. My self esteem was so far gone I thought I could not make it on my own.
Finally something amazing happened, I got pregnant. Having a baby is what saved me. Five months after my son was born I realized that HE did not deserve to live in this mess. My son was my strength to get out of a dead end relationship. He needed to live in a home full of love and laughter not anger and violence.
I am thankful for my son. I gave him life but he gave me my life back.
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