by Melissa Tellier

My family ingests many bananas per week.  At least four per day. Multiplied by seven days.  Approximately twenty-eight bananas.   If we have an extremely salty day, then we will eat more (potassium) to rid our bodies of the sodium.  The total could be as high as thirty-five bananas.

I wonder aloud, “Is there a world banana shortage going on that I missed?”  Fortunately, shopper A and shopper B choose to ignore me.  I continue my rant, scaring off shopper C. “Could it be that the shortage is due to my family’s excessive banana consumption?”  “Luckily, we overcompensate for all the non-banana-eating families.”

And, thankfully, my ten month old daughter is in the cart … I really am discussing this banana famine with her, honest.   My self discussion veers away from the famine and merges into the dismal economic situation.

“Bananas have steadily increased in price.  A year ago, I paid twenty-five cents per pound.  And then the price jumped to thirty-four cents per pound.  And since January, bananas are consistently at fifty-six cents per pound.”   Still being ignored here…

Grocery Store A was becoming a bit uncomfortable with my lingering over the banana section.  I believe shopper C informed the manager of the irrational-banana-talking customer.

Hospitable manager queries into my well-being, “Can I help you?”

“Oh, no thank you, I am just trying to decide how many bananas I will need for the next couple of days,” I respond.

Just then, I have an epiphany!

I push my cart to the store front and proceed with my checkout. Unfortunately, all of the self-checkout lanes are closed this morning.  I have to queue in the midst of shoppers A and B, and a new one, D.

I place my items on the conveyor belt.  Friendly Cashier begins to scan my purchases.

“You can’t do this!” Friendly Cashier announces.

“What?” I innocently ask.

“THIS!” Unhappy Cashier yells.

“But I only EAT that PART!” I insist.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Angry Cashier enunciates.

“Look, nobody eats the peels. This way I get more bananas at fifty-six cents per pound!!” I intelligently inform said cashier.

“You cannot stand in the produce section at Grocery Store A and peel the fruit. You cannot buy unpeeled bananas.  Or oranges. OR ANY other fruit that you may intend to buy in the future,” retorts Obstinate Cashier.

“BUT!” I try to continue while the Hospitable Manager is summoned. Perhaps, Manager will see my point.  [I am able to get fifteen peeled bananas for two pounds instead of the typical nine bananas.  How great is that!  Six more bananas!  What a savings!]

“Where are the peels and rinds?” demand Annoyed Manager.

“Here, under the cart, I was looking for a trash can,” I explain.

Irritated Manager grabs my full bag of peels, places them on the scale. To cure your curiosity, my fifteen peels weigh one and a quarter pounds.  I save seventy cents!  Scanner beeps.  Wait!  Grocery Store A is charging me seventy cents for PEELS!  That’s ridiculous!  You cannot even eat PEELS!

I huff.  “I am not paying for PEELS!”  “Besides, your welcome sign says the customer is always RIGHT!”

“Fine,” said Defeated Manager.  “However, YOU are no longer welcome to shop at Grocery Store A.  Please do not ever come back or try to come back — we will be watching for you!”

I triumphantly gather my PEEL-LESS bananas, RIND-LESS oranges, and other food items.  I strut past Shoppers A, B, C and D who stare in shock with agape mouths.  I smile. They scowl.

Immediately I call my husband at work.  “HEY, I believe our family is currently, and possibly permanently, banned from Grocery Store A.  If you need to shop there, don’t forget to use CASH.  Because there is no name associated with CASH.”   I will inform him of the details and actual situation later.  OR, maybe I won’t.  Because I think Grocery Store A really does not want to see me again.

Moral of the story:  DON’T PEEL YOUR BANANAS!  [We had to eat all fifteen bananas within two hours.]